Writing :: Humor/Entertainment
The Wisdom of Dr. Jeffrey Gladstone- page 2
G: Harry, you don’t need to call me Dr. Gladstone. Remember my
need for informality!
S: Sorry, Dr. Jeffrey. Hello? Hi. You’re on WRKO talk radio, welcome
to the show.
Caller: Hi, Harry and Dr. Jeffrey. I have a question for Dr. Jeffrey.
I’ve been wondering – will I ever be financially independent?
G: I might need a little more information before I can help you with
that question. Allow me to ask you something. Can you say your mother’s
maiden name softly to yourself while bending your head toward the nearest
window? (answer is yes). Can you tell me the size of your left foot?
(answer is 9) OK. I am almost ready. Tell me, are you afraid you will
not be financially independent?
C: Yes, I am.
G: And your mother – is she afraid, or was she afraid, that she
would not reach financial independence?
C: Yes, I believe she was also. This is fascinating.
G: I believe that I see the broad context for all of this. OK. I am
quickly doing mindspin astrology. Aha – I see that you will be
living in a hovel within the next decade, but do not despair: there is
an antidote and therefore a path to financial independence.
C: What should I do?
G: What you must do is simple, but you must do it unflaggingly, relentlessly,
without fail. Every other Tuesday, you must fly to Cleveland and visit
the Cleveland zoo. There you must engage in deep eye contact with the
tallest giraffe you can find for at least 6 _ minutes. Continue this
procedure for the next 2 years and 4 months and financial independence
is within your grasp; otherwise, it’s hovel city, so to speak.
C: Well thank you, very much.
G: It is our mutual pleasure. I am enriched from your response.
Next caller: Dr. Gladstone, I’m worried about my future. Can you
tell me a little bit?
G: Where were you yesterday at 5:04 PM? Think, but don’t say it
over the phone. Make a picture inside your mind of that location. Now
listen to the sounds; now feel your stomach as you place yourself back
in time. I will absorb your vibrations. OK. I see that a trauma will
befall you on the 11th of next month, but it is relatively minor. Your
dental floss will become stuck in your lateral bicuspid on the right
side, lower, and remain there maddeningly, for 6 _ days, during which
time you will want to inflict bodily harm on anyone you come in contact
with and you will scare small children.
C: God, I hate dental floss getting stuck. I hate it when that happens.
What can I do?
G: You must hijack a shipment of unwaxed dental floss from the truck
delivering to a Rexall’s pharmacy. You must then immerse them in
carbolic acid for 2 hours. That is all.
C. Oh well, that sounds simple enough. Thank you very much, Dr. G.!
ANSWER TO NEXT CALLER: I see that in the next 5 days, you will be driven
slightly crazy by the phone ringing many times, for a wrong number. Someone
will be trying to contact a fellow named Steve. What is the antidote?
No, you don’t have to disconnect the phone. All you must do is
to eat spaghetti with rice pilaf for three days, then skip a day, and
eat it again the next day. The caller will not bother you at all. Either
he will not call or you will not care if he does call.
AND THE NEXT: From your voice, I gather that Leo is in your 11th house,
opposing Virgo in Holstein. This opposition together with the Moon in
Cancer and the fact that you have Neptune adjacent Mercury in the 4th
house allows only one possible conclusion: that you will go completely
bald within the next 48 hours. There is, however, an antidote: it is
painful, but very simple. For the next month, you must watch Laverne
and Shirley reruns before you eat dinner. You must watch them completely,
even the commercials.
OTHER ANTIDOTES: You must whistle There’s Nothing Like a Dame
whenever you come to a street corner.
You must wrap both of your wrists in tin foil – the heavy duty
kind – and try not to look embarrassed.
You must see erotic shows twice a month for a year and three quarters.
After a commercial, Sobel and Gladstone chat for a while before taking
G: When I grew up in Philadelphia, I had a friend who received a spanking
every single day at 9:30 in the morning, even when he was behaving beautifully.
G: His name is Boris. I remember how we would be playing shinball and
Boris’ mother would call out, "Boris, oh, Boris dear, it’s
time for your spanking." And Boris would run off, saying "Coming,
mommy", while telling me that he would return in approximately ten
minutes. And every day, she spanked him so that he wouldn’t be
bad. Preventative spanking. This became the philosophy of Volvo automobiles:
preventative maintenance. They stole it from Boris’ mother.
S: That is really a remarkable story. I really had no idea where Volvo’s
approach came from. I’d like to ask you a little about your research
on past lives, Dr. Jeffrey. I understand that you wrote your thesis about
past lives in Samoa?
G: Yes, Harry, that is correct. I discovered that everyone in Samoa
had been either a leopard or a scuba diver in one of their three most
recent lives. This led me to conjecture that homogeneity in culture is
really the result of homogeneity in previous past lives. I was ejected
from the Academy of Past Lives for this heresy.
S: Since then, though, you’ve become quite well known for your
theories on past lives.
G: Much of my insight into this phenomenon is the result of my subsequent
research on leopards. I began to wonder if leopards would then become
Samoans in the future. And whether or not leopards were leopards in past
lives -- or perhaps merely amoebas. Do they even have past lives. My
book WERE WE LOVERS IN PAST LIVES covers much of this.
S: I see. I think it’s time for your calls; we have two available
lines at 720-4080.
Caller: I’ve always wondered about whether I’ve lived before.
Do you think you can tell me?
G: Just tell me the approximate age at which you lost your first baby
tooth? Thank you. Do you ever have itching on your left leg, particularly
on or below the shin bone? That is because you were an amputee in your
previous life: you had your left leg removed at the age of 16, due to
an industrial accident for which you received no workman’s compensation.
S: How can you know this?
G: It is a gift. I am intuitive beyond belief. Actually, most people
were amputees in past lives, so it is not much of a stab, after all.
Harry, stop scratching.
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